The most recent issue of Time Magazine with it’s controversial cover is just one more example of media fanning the flames to an already volatile issue. On the cover is a (real) mother nursing her 3 year old child as he stands on a step stool, with the accompanying title, “Are You Mom Enough.” Apparently the article, which I refuse to pay money to read, talks about Attachment Parenting, a parenting style that is widely criticized, and includes things like extended breastfeeding and baby wearing and co-sleeping. I automatically get defensive and offended by the condescending tone of the highlighted title and the first paragraph I read of the article online, and the fact that it calls this sort of parenting ‘extreme.’ When I think of extreme parenting I think of the ‘Tanning Mom,’ or baby swinging ‘Yoga Mom.’ Not breastfeeding and carrying your baby in a baby carrier.
And then I realize that the Mommy Wars are not Mom vs. Mom, it’s really Mom vs. the Media.
It’s the way Time Magazine asks the question, “Are you Mom Enough,” with an angry look on the mother’s face. It’s the way the media says Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life when she has raised 5 boys. It’s how the paparazzi follows Beyonce around and tries to figure out how long and why she is breastfeeding. It’s how The New York Times has to make women feel like they have to choose between Motherhood and Feminism, as if the two are mutually exclusive. As if any style of parenting is mutually exclusive. I get offended by the insinuation that there are certain rigid parenting styles and that there is a concrete parenting doctrine that you need to adhere to, to feel ‘Mom Enough’ to do. I haven’t even mentioned the controversy of extended breastfeeding, which is featured on the cover, and the portrayal that this is extreme or somehow as the way the models on the cover are positioned that is looks anything like it is making it seem, with the child standing up on a stool. Some how suggestive or sexy or annoying. Or that this is a requirement to be “Mom Enough.”
If Time Magazine asked it’s audience if they were “Man Enough,” or “Black Enough,” or “American Enough” or “Gay Enough,” or Anything Else Enough,” it would never fly because that’s offensive. But the Mommy Wars are hot right now, so it’s ok. They’re adding to the false sense of pitting mom against mom to make headlines.
The original Mommy Wars are supposed to be an issue about Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms. But I think a lot of that is the media playing tricks in our mommy heads that you need to feel guilty for either way. The thing is, there is no one way to be a mom, there is no “Mom Enough,” because that would imply that someone else’s best isn’t enough. That no matter what, we can never be enough. As if there is an XYZ of parenting and one needs to fulfill your role a certain way to be enough.
The Mommy Wars is based on the premise that Working Moms don’t spend enough time with their kids and Stay at Home Moms spend too much time with their kids. You can’t win. The fact that there isn’t ever going to be a winner doesn’t stop media and political pundits from constructing sensationalized headlines devised to create a buzz. They set up the ring, sound the bell and play announcer as guilty moms everywhere throw their purses up in the air because the only knock out is going to be their ego and their not good enough parenting style.
This concept isn’t new. Media’s concept of what a mother should look like have been around since media has been doing their thing. It’s almost the oldest, easiest portrayal in the book. How many references do we still see of the 1950’s mom and her perfect house and her perfect smile. How about how sitcoms portray mothers, from June Cleaver to Roseanne to Carol Brady and Clair Huxtable. How about Kelly Ripa and her obnoxious Electrolux commercial. See, I’m not any better myself. I can hardly sit through how commercials portray moms without gritting my teeth and not feeling ‘Mom Enough.’ Oh wait, and where are the dads in this equation? Oh never mind, media doesn’t portray them as making parenting decisions. We’ll Just leave them out here.
I honestly don’t know how to stop the Mommy Wars. Do we boycott certain brands or publications, boycott products that play on mommy emotions? All I can say is brush off your mommy shoulders, because you and I, we are all ‘Mom Enough.’ We earn this badge just by being a mom and doing what we know will work for our kids, the way that we know is right. So working or staying at home works for you. Perfect. So breastfeeding or bottle feeding works best for you. Perfect. So whatever works for you, pat yourself on the back and Happy Mother’s Day to all.
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