Time's Up

I know pretty much everyone is sort of sick of hearing about Time Magazine. I am too. But at the same time I just feel like I need to wrap the issue up neatly before shelving it for good. So here we are.

The latest Time Magazine Cover controversy caused quite a stir in the Mom world yesterday. I think just about every mainstream media outlet, every blogger and much of the social media networks were all a buzz with a range of anger, shock, grossed out or just trying to get involved in the discussion of how dare Time start the next phase in the hot button 'Mommy Wars.'

Well nothing in advertising or well renown publications is ever accidental, and Time sure got their money's worth in controversy dollars or however much they paid the mom to stand weirdly in a way that no body really ever breastfeeds with her kid on the cover. Props to the mom. I'd probably do it too. That is unless I was trying to insist that extended breastfeeding was actually being portrayed accurately, then well, I wouldn't have let myself be talked into posing so suggestively. Maybe insisted on my kid dressed in pjs, sweetly snuggling, not looking like he just came home from a rock concert to get a sip from the nip. But well, we know that people can be convincing. And I did see the outtakes. The pictures that weren't used were different. Not as controversial at all. But they weren't about to sell a bunch of magazines either.

Time had us good and mad from the get go with their fighting words headline, "Are You Mom Enough." After seeing the title, I automatically went to defensive mode. Yes I do some of what they want to label as Attachment Parenting and I wasn't about to idly stand by when Time Magazine had the gall to start calling us 'extreme,' as if it was some sort of freakish method that people were all of a sudden participating in. As if breastfeeding and cosleeping and baby wearing were this new age extreme method. News flash people, this stuff is only extreme because we're sitting in comfort in the 21st century in a 1st world country where we've invented contraptions to do stuff for us. From the pricey baby gadgets to breast pumps, to yes, even hospital births are somewhat a modern invention. Having your baby close to you all the time isn't really extreme either. It's handy. I'm not bogged down as some tend to portray Attachment Parenting 24/7. It's nice not having to go far to stick a boob in baby's mouth and having him drift back to sleep quietly rather than standing outside a child's door and have them scream for hours in order to 'train' them into sleep submission. For me it's a no-brainier when I bring 3 kids to the zoo that I strap the youngest to my back and have my hands free to go on my way. It's not really that extreme. Although I do get looks and plenty of comments when I stroll through Wegmans with my son in a backpack, it's mostly because ew, the carts and the comments are mostly little old ladies telling me how cute he is. And who doesn't love that. And like I said, it's handy.

So back to Time Magazine. Just who were they taunting anyway with their 'Mom Enough' headline? Was this just another swing in the Mommy Wars, which is really just another extension of the War Against Women? We've barely swallowed and digested Rush Limbaugh's slut and feminazi comments and now this is thrown our way. So we're ready for a fight. Ready for the catchy one liners and the derogatory names, the accusations and the mud slinging.

But like any good controversy, this one barely had the shelf life of a bottle of pumped breast-milk. The nasty tone didn't really make it past the front cover like we were all expecting it to. A copy of the article trickled its way around my group of friends and elsewhere online. The ones who weren't swearing off the word Time till the end of time, and we all read basically a snooze of an article that probably was never originally going to make it past the back half of the magazine. Not without that cover shot anyway. I mean it's not like an article with a description about parenting is really hot off the presses type news. And to our further surprise, there really wasn't any further mudslinging, not really any more fighting headlines, it was basically a bio of Dr. Sears, the so-called Attachment Parenting Guru. I even had to skim some parts. It was dry. It was all about Sears and his wife and how they came to the conclusion that Attachment Parenting was the best way for them and his 30 books and oh how cute he wears scrubs with Dr. Bill on the pocket. Like I said, it was sort of a snooze and I'm actually interested in some of his methods. So that's pretty much all. And I don't know if it's surprise or disappointed or what, that we got all worked up over a mediocre article with a cover that seemed to taunt us more than actually put its dukes up and deliver.

Basically Time Magazine did what any profit seeking magazine would do when they come across that money shot sure to spark an echo of controversy across the nation. They throw the picture on the cover and hope its gonna catch fire. And that it did.

Between this and Amendment one (the anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina) getting passed on Tuesday and then President Obama 'coming out' on Wednesday in support of gay marriage, I'm all controversied out for the week. I would hope this whole thing would bring important discussions to the forefront. Like acceptance of a mother's choice of extended breastfeeding or for everyone to not get all boob- scratch that- public breastfeeding phobic. But I think the 15 minutes are just about up and I don't see that happening this time around.

Mommy Wars... And Just Who are We Fighting Anyway?

We’ve all heard the menacing catch phrase, ‘The Mommy Wars’ floating around. That utterance alone conjures up images of crazy moms throwing down their purses and jumping in the ring for a all out mommy brawl. One mom kicks aside her briefcase and the other, her baby sling for a hair pulling fight over how to be the best mom. As if there was one mom-method to rule all others. As if moms ever really do this.

The most recent issue of Time Magazine with it’s controversial cover is just one more example of media fanning the flames to an already volatile issue. On the cover is a (real) mother nursing her 3 year old child as he stands on a step stool, with the accompanying title, “Are You Mom Enough.” Apparently the article, which I refuse to pay money to read, talks about Attachment Parenting, a parenting style that is widely criticized, and includes things like extended breastfeeding and baby wearing and co-sleeping. I automatically get defensive and offended by the condescending tone of the highlighted title and the first paragraph I read of the article online, and the fact that it calls this sort of parenting ‘extreme.’ When I think of extreme parenting I think of the ‘Tanning Mom,’ or baby swinging ‘Yoga Mom.’ Not breastfeeding and carrying your baby in a baby carrier.

And then I realize that the Mommy Wars are not Mom vs. Mom, it’s really Mom vs. the Media.

It’s the way Time Magazine asks the question, “Are you Mom Enough,” with an angry look on the mother’s face. It’s the way the media says Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life when she has raised 5 boys. It’s how the paparazzi follows Beyonce around and tries to figure out how long and why she is breastfeeding. It’s how The New York Times has to make women feel like they have to choose between Motherhood and Feminism, as if the two are mutually exclusive. As if any style of parenting is mutually exclusive. I get offended by the insinuation that there are certain rigid parenting styles and that there is a concrete parenting doctrine that you need to adhere to, to feel ‘Mom Enough’ to do. I haven’t even mentioned the controversy of extended breastfeeding, which is featured on the cover, and the portrayal that this is extreme or somehow as the way the models on the cover are positioned that is looks anything like it is making it seem, with the child standing up on a stool. Some how suggestive or sexy or annoying. Or that this is a requirement to be “Mom Enough.”
If Time Magazine asked it’s audience if they were “Man Enough,” or “Black Enough,” or “American Enough” or “Gay Enough,” or Anything Else Enough,” it would never fly because that’s offensive. But the Mommy Wars are hot right now, so it’s ok. They’re adding to the false sense of pitting mom against mom to make headlines.

The original Mommy Wars are supposed to be an issue about Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms. But I think a lot of that is the media playing tricks in our mommy heads that you need to feel guilty for either way. The thing is, there is no one way to be a mom, there is no “Mom Enough,” because that would imply that someone else’s best isn’t enough. That no matter what, we can never be enough. As if there is an XYZ of parenting and one needs to fulfill your role a certain way to be enough.

The Mommy Wars is based on the premise that Working Moms don’t spend enough time with their kids and Stay at Home Moms spend too much time with their kids. You can’t win. The fact that there isn’t ever going to be a winner doesn’t stop media and political pundits from constructing sensationalized headlines devised to create a buzz. They set up the ring, sound the bell and play announcer as guilty moms everywhere throw their purses up in the air because the only knock out is going to be their ego and their not good enough parenting style.

This concept isn’t new. Media’s concept of what a mother should look like have been around since media has been doing their thing. It’s almost the oldest, easiest portrayal in the book. How many references do we still see of the 1950’s mom and her perfect house and her perfect smile. How about how sitcoms portray mothers, from June Cleaver to Roseanne to Carol Brady and Clair Huxtable. How about Kelly Ripa and her obnoxious Electrolux commercial. See, I’m not any better myself. I can hardly sit through how commercials portray moms without gritting my teeth and not feeling ‘Mom Enough.’ Oh wait, and where are the dads in this equation? Oh never mind, media doesn’t portray them as making parenting decisions. We’ll Just leave them out here.

I honestly don’t know how to stop the Mommy Wars. Do we boycott certain brands or publications, boycott products that play on mommy emotions? All I can say is brush off your mommy shoulders, because you and I, we are all ‘Mom Enough.’ We earn this badge just by being a mom and doing what we know will work for our kids, the way that we know is right. So working or staying at home works for you. Perfect. So breastfeeding or bottle feeding works best for you. Perfect. So whatever works for you, pat yourself on the back and Happy Mother’s Day to all.