When talking to my single friends looking for love, I keep hearing women ask, “Just where are all the Princes anyway?” I think from the time us women are very young we expect our lives are going to end up like a Disney Movie. We look for the handsome prince to scoop us up, sweep us off our feet, and carry us off into the sunset on the back of their white horse and onward to the castle in the sky. Snow White sang our mantra, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” and that little tune warms our hearts and we nod with hypnotic visions of what love is supposed to be in our eyes and unrealistic expectations in our brains.

So now, when we’re in our 20’s & 30’s and 40’s and single or divorced or even in an imperfect marriage, we question: Where’s my prince, my knight in shining armor, why can’t my life be like the movies? Well, I’m here to say #1 we don’t live in the movies and #2 maybe the prince doesn’t really exist. Are you sad yet? The same childhood movies that fool us into thinking what a prince is really supposed to be like, is also the same movies that show us plainly that these princely guys may not be the dreamy men that we think they’re all cracked up to be.

Take Snow White for example, her so-called “prince” is actually kind of clueless and creepy. When The Prince finds her in the woods after being lost and confused, he scares her half to death and Snow White actually runs away from him. The Prince doesn’t take the hint at all, he shows up and kisses her when he thinks she’s dead. This kind of freaky postmortem fetish isn’t really up my alley at all, but somehow makes birds chirp, dwarves dance and awakens Snow White to her senses. We all know a good kisser is a plus, but come on, no man is that good.

That brings me to Cinderella and her prince, Prince Charming. So Cinderella meets Prince Charming at the ball, he instantly falls in love with her, yet even after an entire night of dancing doesn’t even bother to learn her name. So then he has the brilliant idea of finding the girl he “loves” by saying he will marry anybody who fits into the shoe he’s carrying around. I mean, luckily he found the right woman, but what are the odds? How many of your friends have the same shoe size as you? I’m pretty sure it was a ploy to fulfill his foot fetish and he was really willing to pick the first girl he wanted based on the feel of her foot. This feeling of kismet is tempting, but keep moving Cinderella, you can do better.

Moving on to Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip. First of all, he still lives with his parents. Ugh. This tells us he probably doesn’t have a job and isn’t very ambitious. Then, he’s another one who kisses girls while they’re sleeping. This is called Date Rape, ladies. Stay away!

Moving on to Jasmine and Aladdin. Where do I start? Aladdin is a reckless, homeless, bad boy, thief that lies about everything he is to get Jasmine to like him. If this was real, all your girl friends would tell you how bad this guy is. Once a liar, always a liar. Dump him immediately.

What about Peter Pan? This guy starts the relationship being a peeping tom & watching Wendy through her windows at night. This is not endearing ladies, this is creepy. Then we find out Peter is an immature player (hello, Tinker bell, Tiger Lilly) that refuses to act mature. We all have dated guys like this and all he wants to do is play video games and run around with his friends. You can not change him. He will never grow up. Avoid!

While growing up, who hasn’t wanted to live in a magical castle. Too bad in Belle’s case this meant living with a controlling, verbally abusive, self centered monster like the Beast. I’d suggest he get anger management classes immediately and Belle get the hell out of that situation before it’s too late and things get worse.

Then we have Flynn Ryder in Tangled. He’s another thief that gets incarcerated. Keep moving Rapunzel, a guy with a rap sheet is not a catch.

This brings me to Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. This guy doesn’t care about who he’s with as long as she’s a good singer. This seems very shallow to me. Eric goes back and fort from this Ursula/ Vanessa character and then to Ariel so easily, we all know he’s not being genuine with either one. Another thing, Eric seems so clueless, that even when on a date and they’re under the glow of the moon and romantic music is playing, Ariel is dropping hints all over the place, he still can’t take the initiative and just “Kiss the Girl.” We all know this guy is a Mamma’s boy and we would totally have to do everything for him and teach him everything. I don’t know about you, but I need a man that can do things for himself. This guy is totally leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor and knows absolutely nothing in the bedroom. No thank you. Next.

Then we have Captain John Smith. First of all, he needs to respect boundaries and not be kissing Pocahontas when she already has a boyfriend. Then, in talking to Pocahontas, he reveals his true racist feelings, saying his people have improved the lives of the “Savages.” Come on Pocahontas, don’t degrade yourself like this. Find a man who appreciates you for you and respects your culture.

So after running down the list of all the so-called heroic princes that we all love, I have to ask the question: Are women really that naive or are we taught from our youth to pick the wrong men? I am pleading with all you women out there, please don’t be like Snow White. Please don’t stare dreamingly up to the sky and sing how someday your prince will come and imagine being with a man that you don’t even know exists or not. Get out of the house and hop on your own white horse. Don’t dream about the castle in the sky, because this is more unrealistic that the American Dream. We all know neither one exist in the way fairy tales tell us they do. I’m sure there’s a great guy out there for you, but he’s not from the Disney movies, and frankly thank God, because those guys are losers!